Are they really JUST friends?

You’re in a relationship and learn that your partner has close friendships with the opposite sex. Should this be a concern? Well, this question comes up all the time and it’s a legitimate one: can men and women truly have platonic  friendships? I think the short answer is yes, but with a few very important considerations.  On a scale of “least threatening” to “most threatening” to a relationship, male and female friendships only fall into a few categories:

1. There was never mutual interest – This is the sad tale of one person who always had an interest in the other and that interest was never reciprocated. This is your standard Laura Winslow/Steve Urkel situation. These friendships tend to be the least threatening to a relationship because (hopefully) the interested party got the message and moved on. Nonetheless, he (or she) was OK with being platonic friends. As long as there is a mutual respect and understanding on both sides, there should be no real threat here. But don’t count him out all the way. Steve might have turned into Stefan!





2. They once dated and decided it didn’t work out – You may be surprised to see that I consider this to be least threatening. If you think about it, it makes sense. If they both dated and tried to see where things could go and it didn’t work out, curiosity (which is very important and something I will discuss in detail later) is not a factor. Instead, if they are still friends, there must be a mutual respect and appreciation on both sides. Essentially, they considered the idea of a relationship and it wasn’t the best fit.  If both parties agreed to this, and there are no hard feelings, this friendship may not be much of a concern.
3. They grew up together and are “like” family – There are male and female friendships that literally started from birth! Yes, their parents were besties and as a result, their children were forced to be playmates. You might find a baby pic of them together at the park – or even more embarrassing as toddlers in a tub! Regardless, they were friends for number of years whether they liked it or not. This situation is not very threatening because if they had any serious interest in each other, they would have likely already explored it. In which case, they may fall into category #1 (no mutual interest) or, #2 (it didn’t work out). Whatever it is, it’s likely that any romantic connection they had is in the past. However, there is a possibility that they could fall into category #4 (which I will discuss next), and that is a bit concerning.





4. They always missed each other – Always missing each other might be the foundation of every modern love story. You know what I’m talking about – this is your Issa Rae/Daniel King type of friendship as depicted on Insecure. Meaning, whenever one was single the other was in a relationship and vice versa – or neither were ready for a commitment to each other at the same time for any number of reasons. This starts to crank up the threat level a few notches because curiosity is now inserted into the equation. In the first and second scenario I described, there was nothing that inspired curiosity. Either your partner knows for sure there is no interest or having no interest has been confirmed. Here, curiosity becomes an extremely powerful force because these two friends never had the opportunity to explore what they could have been in a romantic relationship. This situation can become threatening because once the excuse for not pursuing a relationship has been removed, the desire to know “what could’ve been” starts to set in.
5. They are colleagues or classmates – This of course is a 50/50 proposition in terms of threat level. Obviously, just because your partner works closely with the opposite sex or has a study partner of the opposite sex, it isn’t automatically a threat. However, if the nature of their interaction starts to become more social and less business, it may be concerning. The reasoning makes sense. People you just meet add a new level of curiosity to the equation. They become people you see everyday and likely interact with often. The level of access and close proximity could become an issue.





6. Let’s be real…straight-up secret lovers – Now it’s time for us to be honest here: there are some friendships that were never friendships…EVER. These are people that show an interest in your mate other than platonic. Sometimes they are hard to spot, but as with everything else in life, the truth comes to light. Here are a few signs:
   • For some reason you can never meet this “friend.”
   • If you have met, you notice that this person seems to have an unjustifiable problem with you.
   • Your mate confides in this person more than necessary.
   • When you vocalize concerns, they’re dismissed.
   • There are probably many more signs, but you get the point.

Final Thought…

In a relationship, the goal is to have open honest communication about anything, including friendships. No one should threaten what you have built. If your partner is allowing someone to make you feel less secure about your relationship and is not taking active steps to correct it, this is something that needs to be honestly addressed. Conversely, it is important for you to be able to recognize the difference between a true friend and a potential problem. Not everyone of the opposite sex wants your partner.

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Candace Paul

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